To fall away

I’ve been hiking every weekend. I haven’t taken a single picture of the river, the yellow leaves, evidence of early fall in the great north. I haven’t sat at any of the benches to remember the sun, only to let my feet rest.

I woke up this morning totally empty. Feeling completely erased. It happens like that sometimes: I sleep real deeply and I wake up feeling like no one. No memory of who I’m supposed to be or how I’m supposed to feel. It’s the closest to bliss I’ve ever experienced. But the feeling quickly fades, the second I’m awake enough to realize the blankness of my mind. It is only another second before I lose the sensation. Because it is the nature of the mind to create thoughts.

I have grown into the habit of moving forward, heading into whatever is next. Like today, my only concern at the park was to walk onto the new trail, to seek out the new sights I had yet to encounter. But I forget, as each new turn yields some new sight, that I will eventually have to turn round and head back. I forget to ration my energy and motivation to have what is necessary for the return. I have to map out the trail behind me as I walk forward, in order to keep looming in my mind how much of me I will need to double-back.

You can leave. You can go wherever your heart desires. But remember you will probably want to–need to–return. Do you have what you need to make it back? What does that require?

Meditation is this: Your mind can wander, as is its nature, but can you bring it back, back to the line you’re walking, the awareness of just being…of your self in the world: breathing and sitting and surrounded. Separate from your thoughts. Separate from everything. The trick for me is to return to everything. To reunite my mind with my thoughts. To come off the trail and retain the sense I gained there as I return to the rest of my life. To return myself to what I’ve been.

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A page turner

It’s like when you’re reading in bed and the library return receipt slides out of the book and into the sheets. Only you don’t notice it because you’re reading. And somewhere in the rolling on your sides and the turning of the pages and the shifting of the blankets, you forget, or maybe you never noticed at all.

And then later in the middle of the night, really throughout, really all the night, you feel this slightly sticky, mostly poky sensation, just out of reach, just out of recognition, just beyond what is familiar to you in bed. A feeling of discomfort that calls to you from across the valley of sleep. Tries to call you out of your dreams. And you roll over to it but you immediately roll away, too uncomfortable to take notice. Too unsure to reach out a hand, or open an eye. The once slick paper losing more and more of its softness as you toss and turn around it, evading it.

Maybe it’s like that. Where you have just a bit of peripheral knowledge. A bit of notice. A slight awareness of what you can’t quite pinpoint. A pinprick in the night.

I want to vomit up all the labels they have given me. I want to push out all the ugliness they tried to package in me. I want to sleep without distraction. I want to lie without obstruction.

The lessons of small things

I see you. I’m going in to write.

I stop at the toilet. I realize how much nicer the bathroom would look with all mustard-colored towels. As a child, I told myself I would never be the kind of woman who would care about the color of the bathroom towels. But suddenly, home is Home, and it is an appendage of me and I need it to be satisfying. I desire to satisfy it. The Home. I am indebted.

What is a woman who doesn’t want to be a mother, when the option is available? Is she anything? Is she human?

I spent last week with small children and was terrified, horrified, as I prepared myself for the week.  I can’t do it. But then, it was fine. In the midst of the children, I was reminded how goofy I was as a child. How goofy I used to feel around children. I’ve become so tight and anxious. Something about over-exposure to helicopter parents. Something about uncovering my own damage and realizing my potential to damage others. Because this was my feeling, has been my feeling: If I cannot be a mother, I will not be disappointed. If I choose not to be a mother, I will not be disappointed. If I choose to be a mother, I will not be disappointed. I will marry this ambivalence. I will change my name to it. I could not protect myself all those years from all those words, but I can save myself now.

I spent the week with two children, whose joy gave me joy. Whose wanderings and silences and urges wowed me. Impressed me. Schooled me. One child, we’ll call her Z, climbed the doorways like a little squirrel. Like a creature with legs and hands meant for climbing. Her abba stood close, encouraging her, asking her if she could climb both, if she could climb all. Never had a parent encouraged me to be fearless, to take a risk, to put my grubby, tiny hands and feet on the white walls for chrissake.

Z would be asked to do something and she would say, “no.” And that would be that. No argument, no screaming or threats or catastrophic change in the atmosphere. I stood dumbfounded. Z would be told it was time for something and she would say, “okay.” No wailing or bargaining or compromising or devastation. I furrowed my brow in disbelief. What have I been taught? What have I witnessed?

“These are the kind of things a mother might teach a daughter. How to get through the day. How to feel a little better when she is feeling a little worse….All my mother had done was try to love me while not loving herself. All she had done was make me feel about myself as she did about herself. She had been pummeled by life, by loss and by men, neglect and upheaval. She taught me what that felt like and it felt like shit. But in this realization there was great relief. My mother had not hated me. She had not thought me fat or misshapen or disgusting. These were feelings she carried about herself.”

So I’ve had to unlearn all the things I was and wasn’t taught. All the things I absorbed, me and my learning sponge of a brain. I can forget. And I cried, cried, cried in the living room while the children played outside, half-supervised and barefoot in the grass. Realizing all the things I didn’t learn but all the things I have learned and all the things I am learning and all the things I will learn:

1. Cultivate a persona of unreliability.

A handful of years ago, I had a revelation. This was back in the time when I worked very hard to answer all the emails in my email inbox. When I lived in fear of the disappointment of other people. When quelling the impatience of strangers was of higher priority than my own artmaking or sanity. Maybe you live in such a time of your own right now…

I spent a long time trying to maintain relationships with people who wanted more than I was capable of giving. The truth is, I do need to cancel plans regularly. I need to disappear for a few days or even months to attend to my writing. Friends or lovers who resent this, who interpret it as a personal rejection, are often angry with me. And feeling at a deficit makes me want to work harder to make it up to them.

Patriarchy (and institutional bigotry) conditions us to operate as if we are constantly working at a deficit. In some ways, this is true. You have to work twice as hard to get half the credit. I have spent most of my life trying to be perfect. The best student. The best dishwasher. The best waitress. The best babysitter. The best dominatrix. The best heroin addict. The best professor. I wanted to be good, as if by being good I might prove that I deserved more…

I don’t believe in my deficit any more. I will stop seeking out the edges of that pit. I will stop falling into it whenever I am asked a simple question. Whenever the thing doesn’t go my way.

I am loved now. I have a Home now. I don’t have to feel needed. I don’t have to feel tied. There is no strain to feel anymore. Not a leash, not an ugly to answer. Nothing to run from.

I had never expected that my psychiatrist telling me she loved me would be one of my happier moments. It sat in place of something that had been missing. A sensible love. A love that was not the other side of hate. A love that did not need me.

Trips

Visiting someone else's life and peeking in. Sorting out what I like, could do without, and desperately want for my self.

It comes down to something very simple: I want to do more. I want to feel more. I am missing…something, something critical. There is an urge I have in the pit of my gut. Like a geyser waiting, boiling, ready, but I sit and push it down. What is it? A hum, a tapping. I can't quite locate it. It is living, breathing, tangibly there.
I sit and try to hear it. Close my eyes and strain a little more. There is a drive, a passion in me to figure it out. Am I afraid? Afraid that if I hear it, then I will have to respond? I will have to answer the call and do something about it. What will that be like?

Am I ready to be left without excuses?

Not mass produced

I’ve been thinking of so many things. Trying to make sense of my place in higher ed. Trying to make sense of my place in a society that is becoming increasingly anti-intellectual and insular. If you watch the news.

I don’t know if I am different, but I have always felt I am different. Growing up, there seemed to be a clear divide between myself and my peers. I was born, I opened my mouth, with a question. I am reflective, always searching for new lines of inquiry. My critical thinking skills were apparent from an early age. I have distinct memories of my kindergarten and first grade teachers warily accepting my answers in class. Warily addressing my comments. The things I would say. My classmates have memories of this same girl– questioning, curious, bold. Somehow, this was seen as malicious, my love of questions. My seeking soul. As a six year old, learning like a sponge, I did not have malicious intent. I only sought data, facts to grab onto, something to pull me out of the sinking ship that was my world where everything was ambiguous, unknown, unanswerable.

When will I see my father again? I don’t know. Will we have running water in the morning? I don’t know. Will we ever stop feeling sad? I don’t know.

So maybe that’s it. My difference. Just my mind, my whirring brain, my rich inner life. Seeking words and moments and knowledge. I don’t know. But I wonder too how much of that difference can be attributed to my latin-ness. The blood in my veins that comes from the mountains, the desert, the valleys of Mexico and the rivers of unknown America. I don’t know. The shape of my last name that comes from Spain. That came across the ocean and scattered out, and caught my ancestors. I don’t know. I have loyalty cards, membership cards, to clubs I have never been to, but whose ceremonies and social cues I know. What then? I don’t know.

How much of my struggle, of my search, has just been me, trying to fit in. Trying to blend in, because I am different. In what way, I can’t exactly pinpoint, but in a way that is significant and has shaped me and continues to raise it’s little sharp head from time to time. Like when a white friend mentions her offense, her tan parents, her boring partner, her lonely life. When something, anything, jolts up in me, strikes a chord, and I have that inner quiet argument with myself: do I say something? Do I show this side of myself? Whatever that side is that has a different, opposite response, opposing knowledge to what is being presented to me as common fact, common, familiar, all-encompassing experience? Do I counter that with my own?

Do I remind the people who have never felt different that they are in fact different?

What if I instead desire being liked, being loved, and am tired of the wariness. What if the constant reminders of being different are too much. What if these have in fact drowned out, overcome, overpowered my desire to be loved? Then what? The boundaries I walk between being loved and loving myself. Between caring for others and maintaining myself.

Do others trump the self? Does the self trump the others? Neither seems quite right.

Entirely irrelevant

We had too much coffee at brunch. My stomach churns and sloshes. Nothing seems to help the slight irregular movement behind my ribs.

It is early July in Green Bay. The cicadas hum like it’s late summer, but the weather is just becoming pleasant, reliable, and steadily warm. The sun only recently a familiar face.

I enjoy a staycation. I read and read and read. I consider my future as a mother. I consider a future without children. I consider another world for women. I read some more. I cry, selfishly thinking of my own brown-skinned loves. Thinking of all the brown people I’ve loved in my life. I imagine their own deaths, their likelihood of getting murdered. Shot at their favorite bar. Over a beer with their best friend. I cry and it feels like relief. I tell myself it will be okay, although I have nothing to back this up. To prop myself up. To change my feelings of fear. I text my Asian boyfriend who is in New York visiting his Asian friends and family. We talk about Asian murder. I send him the link to the Indian murder. He does not want to read it. I did not expect him to. We change the subject from scary white men to food. Our constants.

I drive to Goodwill. I purchase books for my friend, who is expecting her first child. I am delighted to find a few of my favorite books from childhood. Maybe this new child will get to feel some of the things I felt. Maybe this new child will be like me. Maybe this new child will be a part of my life. I have no idea. I find myself at the dress rack, sliding hangers as much as the cramped space allows. I find myself with a handful. How easy it is to be a woman sometimes. One piece of cloth as an outfit. No zippers, buttons, or buckles. I am excited to wear something light and simple. To feel free in my body and unrestricted in my movement. If only every day my skin could feel so unencumbered.

I come home and sit on the roof. I think about writing. The constant urge. The constant slight vibration in my palms. Almost anxious, desperate, to produce something. Something with shape and weight and feeling. A way to displace all this weight that I gather. A way to keep moving forward. To keep the jitters at bay.

Stop sexism

This (Can Feminist Scholarship Stop Sexism) was a bit heavier of a Friday morning read, but it made me laugh:

“If I can be sufficiently helpless or self-deprecating or infantile, if I can affix enough implied exclamation marks to whatever harsh verdicts I deliver, perhaps I can offset the offense of pairing intellectual facility with femininity. Or so I have often reasoned. I can eviscerate your novel or your argument, but don’t worry: I’m too ditzy to drive!(!!!!!)”

I am exhausted. I tested the waters, put just my toe in the doorway to academe when I was 18 and blessed with work-study funds at the community college where I forced down as many intro-level courses as I could, and spent a few days a week dusting the old books in the library to save for the life I hoped was waiting for me. Twelve years later and I have not stopped working on a college campus.

At first it is slight. You do not notice…maybe it is because I primarily worked with women first at the commcoll library and then at the financial aid office of my four-year institution. All women, in all the offices I went to. All the times I delivered mail to the student accounts office or the bookstore or admissions. They are helpful, polite, efficient. I had a few male professors. A few were warm and a few were cold. One gave me a C on a paper. My first C, ever. I cried, maybe more than I’ve ever cried in front of a strange man. In front of another person I had no connection to, other than I sat in front of his face a few days a week. He blamed my emotional reaction on my background: “Where did you transfer from?” I felt more insulted and more alone after my response.

There were a lot of other things going on. My period was coming. It was my first semester in a real institution of higher learning. I was finally living on my own, but that meant carefully budgeting, carefully eating, carefully managing my time. I was spending full days in the library, falling asleep over books and journal articles. Staring at my laptop for hours. I had always been a diligent student, always over-studied and over-prepped for school. This was different. This was life-consuming. So much more seemed to be riding on my effort, my engagement, my grades. I had so much to apologize for that I had never felt sorry for before.

“Women come to expect a battery of dismissals and debasements, and they adjust accordingly: To be feminized is to learn that you can either accept your diminution by becoming diminutive (sorry!!!) or put up an unceasing fight, one that often endangers your career or further degrades you. Usually “you can receive some benefits by adapting yourself to a system that is, at another level, compromising your capacity to inhabit the world on more equal terms,” Ahmed writes. Recall the wall, and imagine how it feels to come up against it. Imagine apologizing daily to the wall, and trying to pretend you are happy.”

At 20, I won a competitive internship placement in the library. I met with the Dean. I explained to him my hopes of pursuing graduate study in library and information science. He was small. He said, “seems a little late to start now.” I was 20. I had been working in libraries for two years. His comment did nothing to temper the anxiety I was living with as I began exploring graduate schools and considering my future as our country entered the recession and I tried to be realistic about my prospects as an English major. How would I feed and house myself after graduation? Without the safety net of my financial aid?

Graduate school came and went. More women, less men. At my first professional position, as a visiting faculty member, I was told not to check my phone in meetings. My requests were denied. My words were reasoned away. Men would approach me at the bus stop, “you look fine.” I left.

Now, I’m told to “get my shit together.” My emotions, my complaints are often laughed at by the men who run this institution. More women, less men are my colleagues, but that’s not whose world I work in. I’m exhausted. I lash out at male colleagues whom I trust, who try to see, but can never feel, the walls I push up against every day. They feel a different urging in their bones. They can perform a different type of academic. I listen to male students as they describe wanting to punch a female professor in the face. I am asked out by other male students. “Want to get coffee?” My straight-faced, no-bullshit work attitude is addressed by the faculty I work with: “Cold.” Female students talk to me like I am a friend, a peer. “What year did you graduate?” “Did you go here?”

My female colleagues get pregnant and students gossip. They take time off and come back with more demands on their day. A different body. A different mindset.

I am a thirty year old female who works in higher education. I continue to live in a world of my own creation. I continue to create a world that does not keep me up at night. That does not leave me feeling nauseous and helpless. That works for me, not against me.