mix

I came home to eat. Find myself writing instead. Further evidence that writing is my true sustenance. I will probably find the time to whip up an omelet before I return to work. Or I’ll go hungry. Doubt it.

When I was a kid my mom used to always say, in the presence of new shoes, “are those real shoes?” And I didn’t get it. What do you mean mom, real shoes? And she would go on about the value of purchasing and wearing ‘real shoes.’ Now that I’m 27 and have slight tendonitis, I get it. Okay, mom. You win again. You’d be surprised at the number of shoes out there masquerading as real shoes.

What is friendship? What is a real friend? People always have their checklist of what qualifies someone as a good friend. A real friend, but you know what people always leave out of the equation? Themselves. Him or herself. Who are you in this equation? What are you bringing to the table?

“Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.” -Albert Camus

Yes, our favorite word is “I”, but how often do we use that word in relation to someone else. In relation to their existence, to their thoughts, feelings, and motivations. More so than “I love you.” I think in every friendship there should be an inherent understanding of selfishness. To want to keep that person, to want to see that person, to want to maintain that person.

How do I say? I want you to talk beside me because you see me as I see myself, even if I don’t really know all those parts of myself, or realize all those parts of myself. I understand you from your point of view–and I think that’s where the error can come…if someone’s point of view doesn’t match up with their external self…If what they think (expectations) and what they present (reality) don’t match up. So, if you are selfish enough to know yourself and truly express yourself, despite the world or the influences around you, then I will be your friend. If you are selfish enough to be honest with yourself, then I will be your friend. Then that is a foundation worthy of a real friendship. If you’re self-aware and I’m self-aware, then we have a better chance of seeing if our selves are compatible. We have a better chance of cutting through the bullshit. If you can understand/articulate what you’re thinking and how you’re feeling and what you think about how you feel, then we can walk beside one another and not worry about it. Because we’ve acknowledged that the world is out there, and the effect it has upon us. We can acknowledge it if necessary, and can better see the world without those layers of bullshit blocking the in-between. We can better discuss the real world then, if we’re not lost in the haze of our own internal mystery. Ideally, I think, you reach a level of self-awareness so that you don’t need other people. You don’t need them, but you want them around because you are able to enjoy them. You’re selfish enough that you’ve become selfless. Your focus moves to the external world. You see everything much more clearly. And then for others you can, as a dear friend of mine said, “hang on your every word, judge people from afar, and tell you just how great you are.”

I’ve rambled but I feel slightly satiated.

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