Today was the 7th sacred hour since Richard. My 8th in total. I could recite to you all the other things I’ve done in those 5 weeks in between, but who really cares?
I was surprised today, enjoying my sacred hour, by another student coming in, clutching himself, to share sad news with me. It made me sad to hear this student’s news, but it wasn’t what I thought when he sat down. (Someone is gone. Something is lost.) And it reminded me again that I am not sad anymore. I was sad, but now I’m not. Now I’m fine. The knowledge of this makes me so ridiculously fucking joyous, it’s hard not to exemplify this happiness in everything I do. I’ve become a cheerful person. Me, mundane Morales, suddenly has a spark and a spring in my step. I don’t even know myself in this moment.
In addition, now that the sadness isn’t blocking my view of everything else, I realize, I’ve always been fairly comfortable letting go. Someone told me once it was because I’ve lived a life apart. Most of the time apart from my dad, some of the time apart from my mom, always from at least a couple of my many sibs. People are great, and it’s tempting to try and hold on forever, but that’s just not realistic, at least not in my world. I will love you from afar, even if I’ve let you go, until I maybe stop. Until I wake up one day and am unable to feel you like before.That person that was once so tangible in my mind just fades away. It happens so gradually, you know. An hour, a week, and then…
IDK, my life fills up with other things. My mind finds other knickknacks for the shelves. For example, I was running last night and somehow in the midst of my usual “running is so torturous why do I insist on this” mantra, I realized that it is August and it’s summer and the sun has set and there’s a slight evening chill and the neighborhood is looking good and there are families and dogs out sharing the streets with me, and cool.
I don’t need to say goodbye to you because this is the natural progression of life. Our paths diverge. Maybe they’ll cross again, but probably not. It was nice walking this far with you. It was nice sharing this view with you. I hope you enjoy whatever is ahead of you. You and I, we’re free.
When I remind myself that no one sticks around forever, I realize the mistakes I’ve made.