I’ve always been the bad guy.
I never even questioned the casting. It seemed like the role I was born to play. It was such a natural fit. It’s only now that I’m older and retired that I realize I never had any say. I was typecasted. It’s only now that I’m older that I realize how often I revert to the bad guy role, just because it’s what’s expected of me. Just because it’s so difficult for people to imagine me in any other role.
I become the bad guy in all my relationships at some point. My friends get so confused, my siblings keep their distance, my boyfriends cry.
“Take someone who does not keep score, who is not looking to be richer, or afraid of losing, who has not the slightest interest even in his own personality. He is free.”
You can’t raise someone to be opposite you and then mourn that you can’t relate to them.
You can’t show the full force and spotlight of your personality when you know it will only hurt the one person you’re tired of hurting.
You can’t forget to be small when the time is right.
I often fool myself into thinking that once I’m comfortable with someone that they can take it. But then when I get quiet or opinionated, or stand up for myself, oftentimes I’m forced to realize they’re not as comfortable with me as I am with them. And then I retreat. Put the mask back on. Become the actor again.
We rarely heed our own advice.
“Maybe that’s enlightenment enough: to know that there is no final resting place of the mind; no moment of smug clarity. Perhaps wisdom is realizing how small I am, and unwise, and how far I have yet to go.”