My friend left but we became closer. I learned to navigate the long, windy roads of grief. I’ve analyzed connection and love and tried to feel when my old habit would be to reject any feels. I’ve balanced speaking out with fear and shame. I’ve become more comfortable in my own skin, while demanding more of that skin, with a better understanding of how my decisions impact it. I don’t know myself. The goals and the things I’ll like next year will be different. I don’t have to know. I’m leaving the moments to myself. The episodes. You can have that, Morales. It’s good for you. I’m trying to give in to my need to consume and produce. To balance out producing with productivity. To balance out consuming with critical absorption. I’m trying to get a handle on nature and the sun. I want more of it. I try to destroy less of it. I’ve got a better respect for the people and places that have influenced me. Realizing that it’s a two-way street, that I am not a bystander. I too am an actor with a role to play and lines to say. Trying to understand that I have potentially 80 more years of this, and what that means for what I do or don’t do today. I’m trying to immerse myself in the fluidity of the world and to be more aware of the direction of the current. Shall I swim or shall I float? It doesn’t have to be one or the other all the time. 


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