I remember

When we talk I remember.

I can walk around and jump down the hall and I can smell you and I can do whatever I want. I can peel an orange and chug the water and laugh aloud.

Maybe I’ve felt wrong all this time because I am right. 

5, 500, 500,000

When I was young we didn’t believe in houses. When I was young we danced around the maypole. When I was young you taught me all the things I should know. Those things I never needed to know. When I was young you tried to shape the world for me. Luckily for me, when I was young I never fully believed you; when I was young I didn’t really listen. When I was young I resisted and pulled and tugged and stood my ground.

Maybe I’ve spent so much time doing push-ups because I realized where I’m lacking. Maybe that’s a metaphysical workout in the flesh. When I was young I wanted to be a boy, but that’s only because you told me how hard/bad/painful it was to be a girl. And I saw the ease with which the boys moved. Because you let them.

But I’m so good at it. Even when you restricted my movement, I found the space to move. How do you remind yourself to include masculine qualities when you have always been female? Having lived only one life, how do we pull in those lessons from other lives? When it hurts, hold still, where does the pain take you?

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