I’ve run out of words. I’ve run out of ways to describe how I feel and what I want and what I think. I didn’t…I don’t use the words when I have them so imagine how I feel when I don’t. When I can’t. When the words are out of reach. Unknown to my tongue.
I’m sitting in bed listening to the rain and thinking of how different it is in the city. On trail, rain meant wet, meant cover, meant speed up, watch your step. Here rain means…?
On the way to Salkantay I thought of little except to keep going. I would check in with my body: my feet, toes, knees, back, shoulders. I would focus on my breathing. Fighting the altitude change with every heartbeat. Cognizant always of the pressure in my head. Weighing the liters of water; counting the layers of papel. I drank before I was thirsty and ate before I was hungry, careful to find the salt, the sugar, and the potassium in my snacks. On trail, I spent a day saying your name on empty mountaintops until I realized your name meant nothing there. Until I realized I meant nothing there. But we meant something together there.
Cusco is built to mirror Orion. Did you know that? Cusco is built to be the navel of the world. The center. Cusco is everything I want to be.
Rompes mi corazón. I am fractured. I am split. I am finding new pieces in the light. What else can I say.
I stood out under the stars in camp on the second night and picked out Orion. Those three bright promises. On the last night, I woke up after the rain in the middle of the night to pee and stood in the grass in the early dawn and listened to the river. I thought of tapping on the tent. Wake wake up.
On the first morning, I drank my coca tea at the base of the glacier and just let myself be cold. Salkantaypampa
I don’t know how I feel now. I don’t want to feel the things I felt before. I want new feelings. As my broken heart re-mends, I will stitch it into a different shape. Give it a new rhythm. The same machine with the parts rearranged. I want to make it more effective, more efficient, re-purpose some of the bits. I want my heart to recharge and refresh and do something it’s never done before. I want it to endure.