I am delirious. I am so behind in sleep that I forget the last good sleep. I forget that feeling of submission. I disregard it. I put the music in my ears. I let the bass move my head, down to the strain in my shoulders. My triangle body. I want to be the only one awake. I want to be alone in the darkness. The moon calling me out of my room, onto the balcony, away from the softness of my bed. Where I know I should be. How I know I should be living. I want to be with someone in the light. I don’t want to miss out on the next laugh, the next joke, the next feeling of connectedness. My chest tightens at the feelings and I push the breath out against my cheeks. Opening my heart to the calmness of the night, sending the vibrations up to my brain. Sleep will find me.
It is hard to admit the things I give up on. It is hard to turn back to them, even though I am eager to find them again. To have them again. It is hard to admit how I have been feeling, all this time, before I could retrace my steps. It is hard to see how I move through the spaces instead of molding them to me. It is hard to write what I feel. It is hard to feel. It is hard to ask the universe for help, to ask to be seen, to ask to be heard and to listen when I am told. It is hard to live in that buttery space in my stomach. That yellow light that reaches out beyond me. It is hard to sit still in an uncomfortable space with only the plan to move. It is hard to wait to see how close the discomfort will come. It is hard to convince myself to sit in the open when I would rather be in my burrow. It is hard to know what will come to next. It is important to realize that I cannot always see the next move. That sometimes the patterns evade me. The patterns evade me especially when I deviate from the pattern of my life. Those things I do to keep myself safe. And then I bust out of my pattern and nothing seems to make much sense. I am back on the mountain without ropes or guard rails. Steps away from nothing, or maybe a different kind of eternity, depending on your view.
Forget safety. Live where you fear to live. Be notorious.