A sun but no warmth

I don’t know if you are trying to help yourself or help the world. I forgive you.

“Strike a match. Remember you can make fire.”

“The larger the world gets, the harder it is to see yourself truly. There are ways to know yourself in relation to the forests and the sky, and ways to know yourself in relation to the baby you were once. Remember this, and you can move forward again.”

I am not racing to the end of 2016. I am not racing to the end of everything, anything. I thought, what if I just don’t feel about it. What if I just practice not feeling? “Strike a match. Remember you can make fire.” I took off my scarf and immediately regretted it. The heat radiates from my chest. I keep it for myself. I made tea with milk that was too bland. I mix a new cup of coffee and hot chocolate. It burns my mouth. The acid is fortifying.

These are the words I write that I remember, when I realize that my thoughts are my downfall. “I feel like I will love any pretty thing that makes eye contact with me. How do you learn to love with open hands?” I have been taught to consume. To absorb. I wear you like a chic new jacket. Free me.

These are the books that gave me the words:

The History of Love *when will you learn that there isn’t a word for everything
Everything Matters *everything, everything, everything matters
The Unbearable Lightness of Being *vertigo
Who Will Run the Frog Hospital? *Should I have been expected to create my own self, out of nothing, out of thin, thin air and alone?
Dept. of Speculation *She thinks instead of acts. A character flaw, not a virtue.
This is How You Lose Her *Every time I’m with you I have this sense that you want something from me.
Woman Hollering Creek & Other Stories *The days to come, the days gone by. Before we go back to what we’ll always be.
Letters to a Young Poet *At present you need to live the question

And the others:
Persepolis
Beloved
Jonathan Livingston Seagull
Borderlands
The Voyage Out
Orlando
The Satanic Verses
Written on the Body
The Passion
Love and Summer
Wuthering Heights

Rumi
William Carlos Williams
Dickinson
Plath

Do you have anything else to say?

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