I admit. The things I did not know:

I did not know how to grow up interracial. I did not understand how to be different in a world that demanded simplicity and sameness. 

I did not know how to fall in love after eating and sleeping and growing in a house that pushed love away, hid it in the corners, crushed its soul. 

I did not know how to get up every morning and go to work in an office, with benefits and meetings. I had not been exposed to such a lifestyle. Expectations that are created by invisible rules rather than by real needs. Real logic and follow-through. 

I did not realize how badly I needed to leave that childhood space. How much I had been brainwashed to see my small disheveled life as normal, as everything, as the only thing. 

I did not know for sure, although I always suspected, quietly in the back of my mind, that I could have a life that better matched my inner narrative. A life that better fit my expectations of and my reactions to the world. 

I did not know. But I know now. 

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